My hair was always unkempt, my clothes shabby, and I was lost in my thoughts. I even began to mistrust my two-year-old daughter. At times, I would suspect that my food was poisoned and that a transmitter was implanted in my copper T. I began to get sceptical about the simplest of things. I imagined that people were gossiping about me. I would freeze at every taunt from my in-laws, believing that giving back would bring disgrace to my family. I had become a walking corpse, as my mother-in-law would put it. I had gone from being an upbeat young woman to a drab soul. I could hear things that weren’t being said and started hallucinating. Three years later, in 2000-2001, I started imagining things. My mother believed that taking me back home would invite gossip, and so, I could not confide in her. My self-esteem began to plunge and I felt worthless. There must be something seriously wrong with me. I was perplexed how my in-laws could act so differently with their two daughters-in-law. While the new bride was given special attention, abuse against me grew multi-fold. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law married a dentist. My worst mistake was not speaking out against the abuse. At the same time, my in-laws accused me of neglecting her. When my daughter was a few months old, I was burdened with household chores and hardly got a chance to nurse her. But it was my love for him, and my parents’ upbringing that kept me going. Strangely though, they would praise me in public.īy now, I was convinced that my in-laws hated me because I lacked good qualities. This was the polar opposite of what I was. They would complain to my husband that I had shrugged off my responsibilities, or was arrogant and rude. My brother-in-law and my parents-in-law would ridicule me for the smallest of reasons. Whenever my mother-in-law learned I had a job interview, she would pretend to be sick and call me back home. I had briefly worked as a sub-editor with a well-known daily before I got married. I began looking for a job as a journalist. After much persuasion, my husband agreed to take me with him. I was subjected to more humiliation and harassment. My husband did not find anything wrong in the present arrangement. My in-laws, who were in their early 50s, claimed to be in their ‘old age’, and demanded my support. I was not allowed to join my husband, who was working in another city. When questioned about her unreasonable behaviour, she would play the victim.
When I cooked good food, she would feel insecure and ask me to throw it away, claiming she had found worms in it. My mother-in-law was self-obsessed and nothing could please her. Unfortunately, I was in a make-believe world. I was hallucinating and spoke incoherently. I believed my death was necessary for world peace.
My mother banged on the bathroom door but I had lost my ability to reason. My father-in-law said I should do such ‘stunts’ at my parents’ home and bring a bad name to them instead. My in-laws were enraged, accusing my parents of giving birth to a ‘worm’ like myself. I had tried to gain access to the terrace of our building two days before that, planning to jump to my end. I was certain that my presence would be harmful to my child, husband, and the world. I had entered the bathroom quietly a day earlier, holding a knife in my hand, closing the door behind me and frantically slashing my wrist. I felt undesired and unfit to be a good mother and caring wife. I was being sent to my mother’s house without my daughter. As tears rolled down my face, my husband asked, “Should I love you like a poodle?” I hoped he would urge me to stay and reassure me that everything was fine and that he loved me and our five-year-old daughter.
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